d’Month

Wokay here I hit one month of joblessness

And it has been a real weirdo period of time. The at most priority thing on the list has been killing time. And I have to admit I failed in that aspect real bad . My days have been all the same for the past one month, a bit of change in between if at all, otherwise it’s been all the same. The same boring life for a month, damn I need a change . Change in what way I don’t know actually, I have been killing time some way or the other, watching movies (it consumed a hell lot of my time, cant even recollect the amount of movies I saw. Most of which actually I have seen many times), the new found love for Twitter (a.k.a Micro Blogging, guess just now I got time to explore it), trying to sleep (yes am still not able to sleep properly, and the amount of mosquitoes are really not helpful), smoking (yes indeed I have been smoking like crazy, I have nothing else to do, all day long its a pleasing friend. It has some how become a part of me, for a person like me, yeah I would call smokes ma friend), guess that’s it I did all day, eating as usual was not happening, and now limited to dinner :p, oh yeah towards the end I filled ma iPhone with applications (kinda), how can I miss Facebook games , then the Mumbai blasts kept me busy looking for info, basically did a lot of stuff online, kind off EXPLORING THE WEB!

So what actually changed during this course of time? Well I don’t know if I know, am confused as ever. But somethings have changed in and around me. Don’t know if I can bring them up, cos I don’t know how to explain. But basically I feel am becoming more self centered, more possessive, more worried, and that kinda shit. I don’t know actually whats happening, I have kinda lost touch with the outside world. More people getting mad at me, I know somewhere people are getting me wrong completely, hope I could change that, hope is all I have, and none of faith cos faith is something that’s non existing :p. Basically everything around me seems blurred, everything there but nothing clear, the very confused stage. I think I have forgot how to smile, and that’s what the worst part that has happened to me Actually nah I can’t explain what has been happening to me, the weirdness at it’s best :p. I am liking to be alone more, cos am falling in love with the darkness, which has just me around, and am loving it, loving that feeling. The feeling which has evolved to such a level now that I don’t pick up ma phone and bug anyone, I don’t even care to reply to msgs. World is getting better I guess. At least better from the good riddance of me )).

Woho now I gotta share one huge list, the huge list of movies I saw. Some of them real sad. Damn the sad part is the movie collection is almost over so I guess now I really gotta find a job :p

40 Year Old Virgin
A Love Song for Bobby
A Scanner Darkly
Analyze That
Analyze This
Be Cool
Before Sunise
Before Sunset
Beverly Hills Cops (1,2,3)
Bill
Black Cat
Blue Crush
Capote
Catch Me If You Can
Cinderella Man
C Kkompany
Cocktail
Corpse Bride
Definitely, Maybe
Dodgeball
Donnie Brasco
Dostana
Dumb and Dumber
Equilibrium
Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
Final Solution
First Sunday
Fracture
Gone in 60 Seconds
Good Will Hunting
Hancock
Harold and Kumar
Get Shorty
Knight Rider
Kung Fu Panda
Lady chaterly
Lethal Weapon-The Complete Collection
Little Children
Little Miss Sunshine
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Lucky Number Slevin
Man of the year
Match Point
Madambi
Miami Vice
MinnaminniKoottam
Munich
Mystic River
Of Love and Shadows
Persepolis
Philadelphia
Pulp Fiction
Quantum of Solace
Reservoir Dogs
Rounders
School For Scoundrels
Seabiscuit
Serendipity
Shawshank Redemption
Sicko
Singh Is Kinng
Snatch
Starsky & Hutch
Stranger Than Fiction
Street Kings
Superbad
Superman Doomsday
Taken
The Bank Job
The Darjeeling Limited
The Fast and the Furious-Tokyo Drift
The Hoax
The Hole
The Jason Bourne Movie Collection
The Usual Suspects
Thomas Crown Affair
Thursday
Transporter Collection
Twenty 20
V For Vendetta
Zodiac
Across The Universe
City Of Angels
Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Forrest Gump
Goldeneye
Good Fellas
National Treasure Book Of Secrets
The Departed
Water
We Own The Night

Now the list does not end, I just can’t remember names right now, everything is so so so blurred, blah if I linked all the above mentioned movies to IMDB, then one can imagine how jobless I am :p. Seriously I didn’t feel bored :0) well time for another smoke, guess post that I will hit the publish button

Something came intoma mind! I no longer can remember what I wante to add! phew anyways!

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¡ʍouʞ ʇouuɐɔ uosɐǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ suosɐǝɹ sʇı sɐɥ ʇɹɐǝɥ ǝɥʇ˙˙˙ןıssoɟ

The Four Walls

Where ever I turn, It’s just me…
Me looking at maself…
There is just lot of chaotic system out there…
I may not be alone, I don’t see anything else…
Like those vast open oceans, or the dark sky…

It’s the cool breeze surrounding me…
Making me numb, numb towards the world…
Towards everyone out there…
Towards every feeling out there…
Above all numb towards maself
Here I shout…
Hoping the breeze would carry ma waves…
Hoping the ocean would churn out a pearl of tears..
Hoping the dark sky would shed some light…

Hoping nothing changes…
Hoping, I don’t loose the hope
Hoping to hope away into ma very own world…

Every door seems to be shut hard…
Every knocks gone waste…
Every knock giving way for new hope…
The sight of the golden key…
Hidden some where deep inside…

Hidden deep inside me…
Hope I could get a peep..
Hope I could get a better look at maself…
Hope I could get a better look at everyone around me…

Hope is not worth the hope or is it?
The four walls have so much in it…
When does puppy get to see?
Four walls full of meanings…
Four walls full of @#$%…
Four walls of insanity..
Four walls of me n me alone…
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¡ʍouʞ ʇouuɐɔ uosɐǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ suosɐǝɹ sʇı sɐɥ ʇɹɐǝɥ ǝɥʇ˙˙˙ןıssoɟ

I can see black now’ free of grey’

Today first day, nah night, that i have decided to see only Black, yeah ma first night post the fact that I have quit ma job @GREY. Well am I worried about being jobless or am i happy? I donnu yet, I cant feel anything. I guess am getting a long required break so that i can gt ma fucked up brain right’ But things happening around me doesn’t seem to help me out on that!

Anyways here am sitting watching a movie, nah ma second for the night, time being 2.49am on dot, am not even tired to remotly what i ever used to feel. I feel am not bound by work any more, I feel am free of somethings, but not sure of what, it seems all vague all blurred, but feels good.

Well ma last day was also no different actually, everyone was busy and me jobless, trying to keep maself busy online. But I think the match kept me more busy, I had to keep running to the conference room, mn What a pleasure it was to see India build up the innings. And then I have the new found love for the Facebook games , I have started to spend a lot of time on it’ Its a great time killer…had booze plans for the evening, which got canceled just cos of the usual meetings @office level n client, the mood in office today was very boring and tensed,
we had our share of fun talking and looking @the tense faces no more details can be mentioned.

reached home post the max time I could spend officially @work, cos just the feeling of chumma sitting was killing, yeah am kinda workaholic but call maself that’ cos I can’t work 24X7 But like to be work’ Now getting to the fact of being not working is actually sad’ nothing to kill time, and the biggest word in current time, NO MONEY’ which actually makes me worried’ am not even sure if I have put enough thought to the post job time’ am happy happy being free… all i can think of now is to lazy around reading, hitting online, watching movies, what else could i be doing without actually shelling out money yes am in a damage control mode…

Am just trying see what options I have, without actually thinking’ I guess I should just see the movie first and then think of a topic I can tink about,

the first night of being jobless is not yet that bad’ so adios before I actually find something bad to say’ this doesn’t sound like a writing, just a confusing talk i had with maself.. bow bow the fact that I have reduced smoking like a mad man doesn’t leave me with many options well can I get paid for Facebooking or Orkutting or iPhoning common am talking about business models out here Am in the same circle of life thinking on what to think of.

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¡ʍouʞ ʇouuɐɔ uosɐǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ suosɐǝɹ sʇı sɐɥ ʇɹɐǝɥ ǝɥʇ˙˙˙ןıssoɟ

Of the mistakes…

Of the mistakes I make, of the paths I take, of the thoughts I have… is everything right? Or everythings as wrong, as right it seems to be? How I wish I knew all the routes’ not to reach anywhere in hurry, but just to be sure, I don’t repeat my very own mistakes. I would be glad
to travel alone cos at last it’s you who gotta travel, n no ones even gonna be there to turn back on you’. How I wish I could travel the paths less known, so no one would expect anything of me, nor could anyone find me’

When people find you, when people know you, there are lot of sentiments attached. One can never be sure which way to take post that, nor can one go that way always, just cos everyones gonna be watching you, judging you, expecting of you!!!

Off this world I don’t know what I like’ of this place I don’t know what I write, why I write. Am failing to find reasons, reasons for just about anything. Don’t know what to expect what not to, where to turn for help where not to, what to understand what not to. Don’t even know if am worth being around in the crowd, I just feel lost. No where to turn, no place too quite. No destination reaching beyond dreams.

Left alone in this wild crowd, trying to find some place, trying to talk, trying make someone listen, trying not feel lost. Still I see only mistakes around me, past n present, guess future too.. Afraid to cry, afraid of people around, I here live a coward life all alone trying to live as a joker cos am here’ just driven by mistakes’ seeing mistakes’ time to, don’t know what, may be make one more mistake’ adiós.

When one feels lonely, nothing really can help you? Or can it?

Deal with it! Or you will be lost forever!

fOsSil…the heart has it’s reasons that reason cannot know!!!

Explanations "unexplained"

I would like to explain! It was not a failed attempt to quit! There is lot more to it! Lot more than I know or can explain! It was in path to reduction which i felt I could not, WHY I really donnu …I think it being in front of me tempts me… that’s why I decided to try a full stop, which was more of a hasty decision overnight or lets say morning blues. Anyways now I stay by the fact of reducing, though the answer to question HOW MANY, I would never know!

¡ʍouʞ ʇouuɐɔ uosɐǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ suosɐǝɹ sʇı sɐɥ ʇɹɐǝɥ ǝɥʇ
so where does it leave me? A looser? A coward? A !@#? well what other think doesn’t matter as of now, nor will! Am to be left alone.. What happens to me doesn’t have to effect anyone, NO? :p

I read about a report which said that the govt., made a sum of 4.7 lakh Rupees, that’s 200 per person (from Oct 2nd to Nov. 4th) but seriously no cop has ever asked me fine’ haaa may be cos when I smoked there were no cops, or the so called checkers :p anyways I have not paid any fine yet! Hope none in future too! 

Smoking is fun’ @least for me’ as once said, “it gives me time for maself”. 

Explanations “unexplained” 

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¡ʍouʞ ʇouuɐɔ uosɐǝɹ ʇɐɥʇ suosɐǝɹ sʇı sɐɥ ʇɹɐǝɥ ǝɥʇ˙˙˙ןıssoɟ

All the clauses breaked! The law taken back!

All the clauses break’d! The law taken back!

Yes that all has happened today morning! No questions asked what so
ever! I need ma other half! I know I can leave it and go! But I don’t
want to! It gives me control over maself, it never leaves me’

Even when am lonely… I can trust on it, to be there for me’ it
understands me better than anyone! Silent words are are always
stronger, and that’s the relation I share with it. Whatever factors
made me to think of stopping, am sorry to those for letting you down,
but I would cut down on smoking! Not today though, I need it today! I
really do!

fOsSil…the heart has it’s reasons that reason cannot know!!!

Clause amended-had no choice :p

Clause amended-had no choice :p

Well there is a small amendment into ma very own NO SMOKING clause..
It’s nothing major! Like all the rules, this too had the loop hole.. I
can smoke while I booze :p this had to happen, so it happened last
night.. Oh but I would keep limits :p So like that ma best pal is
making …oopz already made a comeback into ma life :p limilted
smoking! Not for long I guess, I do!…

fOsSil…the heart has it’s reasons that reason cannot know!!!

Officially I quit!

Officially I quit!

This was all set happen! I had to leave this place! Not that I was
thinking of sticking to this one. I had told the people concerned
before itself! Now it was just a formality of officially saying am
off! As usual I don’t have any other job in hand, have not looked out
really also :p that’s how weird I work things out! Am tired of trying
to act sane when am insane! For the past two or three days ma anger
has been on a high note! Have not really been able to control inside
me! I don’t know why! Does it have anything with me quiting for is it
just ma freaking mind! Nah quiting won’t actually effect me really! Am
just tired! Tired of living! Tired of acting! Tired of everything
around me! So like that ms officially last working day is gonna be
Nov. 14th ‘08 :p a childrens day too.. Am still a child right?

Well well this year ms fav fab word seems to QUIT! The karma mantra
seems to be QUIT! I quit non veg, I quit smoking, I quit ma job too!
Is there anything else I can really quit?? I donu, if yes then I gotta
find it out :p well as of now the job hunt has to begin! Am so lazy! I
wish I was one of those born in money kinda person, not for the money
but minus the money money tension, @least at this age …but it’s not
so to look from oneside am happy with what am having and aiming to
have! So it’s all criss cross life! And am just moving around it! :p

It’s special feeling to put down your papers and get back home! So do I!

fOsSil…the heart has it’s reasons that reason cannot know!!!

Yet again, just a year’ 4th October! When was that?

Yet again, just a year’

Yet again just a year to pass by. Am a year older’ am I? Am more mature’ am I? Am more confused’ yes I am!

I have lots a questions about maself that I don’t know or rather I never wanna realize’ WHY??? I donu! I have learned not to expect anything from anyone’ anything for that matter of fact! I tried changing, but that didn’t help me in anyway’ the only thing I have learned out of this freak life is don’t expect a thing in return! Nothing is mine forever’ the day I tried to change the way I was, for anyone out there, (for that matterof fact) in front of you, I was just killing maself’

Everyone used the name of God saying’ it’s the way God planned the life for you’ I SAID FUCK GOD, stop being a coward! I was not against the concept of God or anything for that matter, I just hated the way the word or concept of so called GOD was used by everyone as an excuse to run away from life! Everyone is happy to change but me nah I was so happy before the change, what change I have gone through has killed me not knowing to what extend! Blah blah’

Yes it’s a year more! Am a year older! Wait letme calculate! Oh am 24 now’ man I hate it! So much life left! No one will believe but actually I was thinking of death’ what is actually the use of living? For me life without rules make sense, I have been thinking about what change really will come up after ma death’ muhahaha I don’t the see any change around me post ma death, not that I will know! But I don’t sense or see any reason that ma death will actually make a difference :p ooops it’s a birth day and am talking about death day, now that makes me smile good! :p ho yeah I love to smile’ that’s why I guess am better known to be happily INSANE!!!

I hate it when I realize how bad I am’ when I realize that I actually don’t wanna change the way I am’ and more than all that when I refuse to respect maself! But nothing really can be done about it! ;p

Life is best explained to me as a lost journey’ a journey which ones afraid to travel’ a journey, path of which I am afraid to explore, nah not afraid, but I don’t care to explore!

Woha what a day to talk about all this’ ooopz what a night’ am too tired to even think’ or even to stop thinking’

Here now in the 24th year of insaness I wish maself more insaness, n to all around me :p

Don’t know how’s the day gonna be! All I hope is to lazy around! Try to sleep’ nice to be in sleepy mode’ Zzzzz’

Years of insaness
Years of crazyness
Years of torture
Years of blah blah
Years of same to continue I guess!

gÑçD’! Well not gonna sleep cos as of now am working late’ and 2maro too at work’ WOW what a day’ am gonna love it’ damn can’t lazy around! So adiós’ I need a drink’ which I don’t have’ though officially I have a CHAMPAGNE bottle in ma custody!… :p oh no am 24..but now I gotta get back to work!

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fOsSiL…the heart has its reasons that reason cannot know!!!

lOsT n WeIrD!…

hmmm!
Somethings happening to me!
I just feel lost!
I don’t know how to explain this!
As always am kinda bad @explaining things!…
blah…
but then am not able to realize what is happening!
I just feel lost! lost in the crowd!

like a deep ocean!
only the edges feel the shore!
deep inside, am all alone!
on the shore, I try to make others happy
try to make others feel happy, nice
but still all alone…like the no mans land
like the vast blue sky
with all ma thoughts around me, and me around all ma thoughts,
the tiniest fish to the whale, feel good
but still i feel lost’
lost in ma own life’
lost in ma own weirdness’
it dsnt freak me out, but still I feel something,
Something I cant explain

Just like the weird life I live, everything associated to me seems weird!
and that me being me!
LOST & WEIRD
that’s how complicatedly lost, weird and confused ma life is’ nah I AM!

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fOsSiL…the heart has its reasons that reason cannot know!!!